Point At Issue: Having Meaningful Discussions
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So you are out with friends, having a good time talking about hot topics in the news. After you state your opinion, everyone falls silent and stares at you. Did you mess up? This is all too often what a disagreement lends up as. Now you are entering into a situation where you wonder if you should have agreed or just said nothing.
It is not easy to have conversations with people about their age, gender, political affiliation, religion, or sexual preference. These are sensitive topics that people have strong opinions about, and conversations around them make people uneasy. When we need to say something, the other person may not accept or even challenge something they said. As humans, we do not want to hurt someone else's feelings by bringing up a topic or expressing an opinion. We also don't want to lose that person as a friend, but the discussion needs to happen.
When something significant happens in the world, you want to discuss it. Fearing that you may say something a person may disagree with, then having to deal with a blunt response may cause you to say nothing at all. An essential part of dealing with a major event is to have discussions to deepen your understanding without causing any offense. Talking to others helps allow you to reflect on experiences you may have had, and open up a dialogue to understand how it Is affecting others.
It may be an uncomfortable discussion to have, so you should set yourself up in the correct location. The best place to have a conversation is face to face. If you cannot have the conversation in person, you can do it over the phone, but remember to listen so that you can understand their perspective. When you email or text a person, you are not speaking to them directly. Prepare for this encounter by thinking about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Put your thoughts in writing a letter directly to the person you want to address. Make sure to include all of the points you want to make and not accusations or anger.
Before setting the stage for discussion, you have to know yourself. Do you have biases or opinions on the topic at hand? Understand what makes your beliefs around this topic so important to you, and be ready to discuss them. Ensure that the information you are getting on the subject is from a reliable source such as an internationally recognized organization or publication.
Educate yourself on the topic to be prepared to answer questions and be ready to challenge your ideas. "For example, a simple Google search on "history of racism in the United States" or "transphobic language" or "microaggressions" should yield some useful resources," wrote Yejin Lee. You can also ask your friends for recommendations on books or documentaries on the topic to give you more background information. Even if you are sure that you are right about the issue at hand, you need to "entertain the other person's perspective thoroughly," wrote Siddharth Gopinathan. "Allow your blindspots to be exposed, by listening to opposing viewpoints and understanding where they are coming from."
Not everyone's opinion on a topic is going to mimic yours. It is imperative to separate yourself from your feelings so that you don't get emotional and have the conversation go differently. When a person cannot separate themselves from their emotion, their reaction becomes the message. Screaming, crying, and getting loud does not get anybody's point across, so remaining calm is the best option. This will ensure that your perspective and their perspectives are both mutually respected and listened to.
Listening, although not the most favorite part of a conversation, is a meaningful part of any discussion. "When you listen in a way that makes the other person feel heard, they are more likely to share information with you. And when you are actively listening, you are also more likely to take it in," explained psychologist Tania Israel. Israel talks about the merits of active listening, encouraging people to make eye contact, staying silent, maintaining a relaxed but attentive approach, and giving them your full attention. If these tips don't work, and you are not making a connection, Israel counters not to "force" it. Keep your tone in check as well and ask those questions.
There are times in a heated debate when you have to let people vent, as uncomfortable as it may be. When you approach a person with a sensitive topic, frustrations and feelings start to flow. When you are in the mix of it, it may be better to ride out the storm instead of ending it. "Once people express and release their anger and fear, they can often see how much they really respect each other and want a mutually beneficial solution," wrote psychologist Lisabeth Saunders Medlock, Ph.D. For some, though, this type of conversation is just too much.
What if somebody is uncomfortable with a conversation? Should you stop just for them? Or should that person remove themselves from the discussion? We understand that sometimes we need to have uncomfortable conversations to make ourselves more aware. "Having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation with someone does not mean you're working against them, said leadership coach Alli Polin. "It means that you value them enough to have a respectful and honest dialogue." We should look for cues that the person does not want to continue and respectfully change the topic.
There are benefits to having these complex discussions or voicing your opinion on a sensitive topic. You open yourself up to clarify your thoughts on a topic and develop a deeper understanding. While the discussion can become heated, you should not be quick to judge the other person. It is also important not to attack a person's beliefs because it is something that we are deeply attached to. "Our nervous systems treat attacks on our political beliefs the same way they respond to challenges to our physical safety," said Karin Tamerius, a former psychiatrist and founder of Smart Politics. "So if someone attacks my partisan attachments, I'm going to respond pretty much the same [way] I would respond if I were being attacked by a lion." Tamerius also suggested that you ask "open-ended and nonjudgmental questions" to keep the conversation level.
Maybe we respond the way we do because of the world we live in, where almost everywhere people are unwilling to listen to the other side. What happens when you get into an argument that you want out of? There are several ways to get out of an argument that may work most of the time. If the point of view coming at you is getting your anxiety level up, you can say "Let me think about that" or "You may be right." Pat LaDouceur, PH.D gave these phrases as examples that will help us end an unwanted argument. These responses help buy you some time and give you the ability to calm down while you consider what the other person is saying.
Every person has their unique set of perspectives about the world. These differences are what make people interesting. With the influx of events happening over the past few months, people have opinions. Although arguing about the pandemic, getting a vaccine, racial protests and the political divide are perceived as negative; it has its positive merits. "In particular, facing the need to argue with a close other can be energizing and motivating," wrote Jennifer A. Samp Ph.D. "The topics that bring about arguments remind us of what is important to us, from our core values to our goals for a given day." It is important to be flexible in these exchanges and be willing to compromise.
When debating on sensitive topics, it is essential to understand what everyone else is trying to say. It would help if you listened without becoming defensive or emotional. Although people are passionate about their beliefs, having an amicable discussion is possible. The debate should not be about who is right or wrong, but rather about your beliefs and how you can learn something in the end.